It's been almost a year since I've written anything. You might think that means that nothing is worth posting but that couldn't be further from the truth.
It's been a little crazy but I did a thing. Something I never thought I could do on my own and that was on my five year goal track.
Wait. Let me go back.
Many of you know that I'm divorced. I didn't want to be. I wanted my ex to work his recovery while I worked my own and then we could work on our marriage. He chose his addiction over me and then he finally decided to leave. At that point it was too late though I was still willing to wait for him to do the work. Some work. Any work. Not just play around at it or tell my counselor what I needed to do in case she missed it. Yes. He did that.
Anyway, once I realized that I had biblical reasons for divorce and that I couldn't do it alone like I'd been told, I finally filed for divorce. My biggest fear was finances because let's face it. I had been a stay at home, home school mom for our whole marriage and figuring out how to support myself was pretty major. Sadly, I thought that he had some integrity and that I would have monthly support from my ex but that didn't happen. I do get a portion of his retirement each month because he retired while we were married. Other than that, I walked away with half our house minus bills plus 75k. That is supposed to support me in this economy for the rest of my life. I hadn't worked outside of our home in over 25 years.
So yes, I worked three jobs and was pretty pissed about it while he bought a house, a new truck, a fun car, and who knows what else. I was scraping by.
It mostly hurt my heart to know that I had so little value in his eyes that he really wanted me to have less out of our marriage and that he wanted save his retirement for his "new wife".
Anyway, God provided and I survived. Actually thrived in a way I never expected.
In May of this year, I bought a house. All by myself. That was my five year goal and God provided in a year!!
She's a 90 year old beauty in a quiet neighborhood. There's a little yard for my doggie, a huge driveway, 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. All original wood floors. I have room for all of my furniture and have enjoyed getting to decorate my little house. I've entertained several friends and family overnight and have gotten to know some of my neighbors. And it's been fun exploring a new city.
But she came with challenges. And tears. And naughty words toward my ex because I knew he didn't have to deal with what I was dealing with.
Due to finances, my old house in a new city was all I could afford.
Yet, I still enjoyed her.
Until.....I came home from a weekend to learn that I had rats. Yes. Rats. Inside my house.
I wanted to vomit thinking about it but then bought cameras to try to find out where they were coming in. Apparently because she's an older house and near the lake, it's a fairly common problem. But still. It's gross.
After a month of rats, I then got to deal with termites. My house was tented, which isn't fun (I might move before it's needed again), and dealt with some electrical issues at the same time.
Then the AC went out. No one seems to want to work, so it took about two weeks to get someone to come and take care of it.
So here we are in November. It's time to think of things for which I am thankful. It's not always easy. I've had a hard time staying focused sometimes. The pity parties have grown in size. While it's okay to let myself/yourself have those moments, we can't live there. It's not healthy. For me, I have to change my focus. The way to do that is to look at and think about what I do have.
I have a home.
A car that's paid off.
Two jobs that I love.
I still have money in the bank.
I'm saying all of that because I'm not where I thought I would be at this point in my life, meaning divorced and working a lot, but I'm happy. I'm safe, physically and emotionally. I would have rather lived in a tent in the woods than to stay in an emotionally unhealthy marriage. Not because my ex was incapable of change but because he chose not to change.
He is already remarried. I'm not surprised. I knew it would happen fast.
For me? I'm taking my time. I want a healthy relationship. I want a safe relationship. I'm missing my best guy friend right now but that's a whole other story. But I'm content being single and enjoying these moments right now.
And if I think about it, I really am thankful. God is using all of these challenges to help grow me and strengthen me. I don't always like it, but in the end, I don't ever want to stop growing!
I would never try to convince someone to stay or to go. Only you know how much you can handle in your marriage or relationship. Some relationships can be salvaged with solid recovery work. Some can't. Not because it isn't possible, but because doing the hard work of recovery for the addict is a choice. A daily choice. For the rest of their life.
If you, as a partner or one who struggles with addiction, need some help figuring things out, or you have a story similar to mine, contact me. We can work together on your next steps. I don't have all the answers but I can help you figure out what is best and right for you.
All it takes is one step in the right direction toward the goals we work on together.