It all depends on your perspective. Or how you spent last night with all of the expectations of fun with friends or family. Or how you finished the year. Or if you are still married or not.
New Years Eve has a finality to it. An expectation of better on the other side. I was asked by a group of ladies the other night about the "other side" of healing and they wanted to know if there really was an “other side”.
That’s a great question. I’m not there yet but I like to think that it exists. I’d like to say that I’m on the other side of divorce and all of the feelings that go with it. But I’m not. There always seems to be a new trigger to work through.
Back to to New Years Eve. A night of fun and parties. Dancing. Drinking pretty cocktails. Ringing in the New Year. Kisses at midnight.
Nope. Not on my agenda.
I was home on my couch on pain meds dealing with nerve pain and watching old episodes of Matlock.
Am I upset about that? Upset that I was alone watching TV? Or that I was alone on my couch? Alone in pain?
Okay….I didn’t love the being in pain part and no one could help that. But as I responded to someone’s post this morning about what we did for New Years, I realized that I would rather be alone on my couch watching old episodes of Matlock, than alone on my couch watching old episodes of Matlock with snoring in the other room. To me, that signifies a deeper sense of alone. A deeper feeling of emptiness and not togetherness. It’s how I spent a significant amount of time during my marriage and I don’t want that back.
Do I want to be with someone who is present and engages with me? Someone who is willing to share their feelings with me on old episodes of Matlock and get into deep conversation?
Heck yeah!! Why would I want to settle for anything or anyone less?!
And neither should you.
So….what about this year is going to be different for YOU?
What parameters are you going to put on your life to keep the toxic out and the healthy in?
What are you going to do for you to be the healthiest you can be for YOU?
What are you going to do to not compromise just so you aren’t alone?
I don’t really make New Years resolutions. Maybe that’s because I suck at keeping them. Maybe it’s because I need more accountability and not just keeping them to myself. Or maybe it’s because I need God to be my motivator and not others. I don’t know. But a few years ago I jumped on the bandwagon of choosing a word for each year. Some years the word has been more obvious, like last year, the word "Joy" was thrown in front of me repeatedly. Clearly, that became my word. This year it hasn’t been so obvious. Yet as I sit here typing and thinking and praying, everything I’ve recently been talking about has had to do with being Intentional.
So friends, thank you for helping me with my word for 2022.
Intentional in my time with the Lord.
Intentional in my relationships.
Intentional in my work.
Intentional in my growth.
Intentional in my trust in all He is doing in my life.
Why do I say ouch? Because I so want to have a redo for New Years Eve. I wanted to be with a man I've met and whom I care very much about. I wanted to have a new year kiss and to spend time laughing and having fun. Honestly, it’s what I always wanted when I was married. So though I was content doing what I was doing, I wanted something different. For various reasons I knew that it couldn’t happen with him this year but it was sweet to get a text from him at 12am exactly. But I still felt the loss.
And this is where I struggle with being intentional in trusting in all that God is doing in my life.
How about you?
Did your New Years look like you wanted?
Did you spend it with loved ones or other couples and feel alone?
Did you spend it alone like I did, conflicted about what you would like to be doing or how you thought it should look?
Friend….this is what I want you and I to remember as we embrace this New Year.
We get to decide.
Divorce sucks. Betrayal sucks. Trauma sucks. Aloneness sucks. Grief sucks.
And we can decide to not live there….and I don’t mean living in denial. I mean working through what needs to be worked through. We can decide how this year will look for us. It’s a clean slate.
What do you want?
For me? I want some sort of financial security. I want to be in a committed relationship with someone who understands the residual C-PTSD that I struggle with. I want to be loved and treasured and held when I’m hurting.
While I want all of this to be fulfilled in human form, I have to remember that I, and you if you’ve surrendered to Jesus, already have it. I don’t know what tomorrow holds. Or even the next minute. But I do know that He is in control, and dear friend, that has to be enough.
So here, in 2022, I have to be intentional about all He is doing in my life and knowing that He loves me more than any human can or will.
I know that sometimes that doesn’t feel like enough and that you too, want the human form. But let me say this. Don’t settle for less than what He has for you and for what you deserve. Don’t rush the relationship just so you can have all that I felt I was missing last night, or in my marriage….or yours.
This year let’s be intentional on being able to recognize toxicity in relationships and not get drawn in. Let’s take our time and not rush into something because we’ve been lacking it for so long. Let’s stick together and remember that we are loved and chosen and treasured ALREADY whether or not any man on the face of this earth ever recognizes that.
And so, what if at this time next year, nothing has changed?
That’s okay. I, and you, will have spent the year growing closer to Him and to others in our safe relationships. We will have learned more about becoming healthy and recognizing toxic and knowing that we deserve better. And we’ll be stronger.
I’m saying this to myself too....
Don’t allow the clock or the calendar to determine what you say yes to this year. Or fear.
How did you spend your New Years Eve?
If you could change it, what would you change and why?
What is your word for 2022 and how do you want this year to look different?